Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
