have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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