you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
