i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
