Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
