dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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