I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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