Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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