i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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