I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
