she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
