I think my vagina is haunted
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize