I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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