Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
