By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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