"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
