are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
