I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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