Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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