Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
