I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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