i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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