My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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