So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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