You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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