Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
