i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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