if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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