Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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