He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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