is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
