I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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