"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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