just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
