I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
