There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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