U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
