Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
