I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
