Pants 0. Shit 1.
she woke up with a sticky ear
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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