My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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