did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
