I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
