Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sorry about my life...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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