There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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