The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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