Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
