I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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