At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
