member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
