This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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