I think my fart just growled at me.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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