Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
