Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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