all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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