Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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