i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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