Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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