I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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