when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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