You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
