one two three fourrrrnication!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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