Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
