Sponge bath it is.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
