just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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