Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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