Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
