you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
